Understanding How Anger Works: Expression, Suppression, and Consequences.

Why We React the Way We Do

Anger is bad. Most of us have heard that at some point in our lives. We’re told it makes us say and do things that create problems. That it needs to be controlled, managed, or pushed away.

And yet, the very first emotion a newborn expresses is anger.

As children, we are taught not to show it. To control it. To replace it with something more acceptable. Over time, anger becomes something we fear, judge, or deny. But what is this emotion really? And is it as harmful as we’ve been led to believe?

In this piece, I want to explore how anger works, what happens when it is expressed or suppressed, and consequences of dysregulated anger. This is not an instructional or educational essay. It is written from personal and professional experience, and from years of running anger management groups. The pace is intentional, and the perspective is personal, not prescriptive. So you will find information on ways to manage anger, not as a separate section, but as a part of every aspect that is being discussed.

A Little History

In the early 2000s, I lived in southeast Kansas, about seven miles from the Laura Ingalls Little House on the Prairie museum, the setting that formed the center of the plot of her books. From there, I drove weekly through several towns across four counties to see clients and run groups: Independence, Coffeyville, and smaller towns like Fredonia, Neodesha, and Sedan, the town with the yellow brick road from The Wizard of Oz. Yes, I’ve walked on it. And no, it’s not as yellow as it looks in the books.

Week after week, I passed hay bales and yard decorations of Tin Men and other Wizard of Oz characters. Those long drives gave me time to think. And sometimes, to feel nervous.

I was in my mid-twenties, driving into towns where I was about to run anger management groups. Most of the group members were men in their late thirties forties, or older. A few women, mostly in their thirties. Nearly all of them had far more life experience than I did. They were there because anger had landed them in trouble, with the courts, with their families, or with themselves.

Some groups had ten to fifteen members. If you’ve never sat in a room like that, it’s hard to explain how daunting it can feel. Most of the time, I was alone in those rooms, with only the occasional caseworker present if trouble was anticipated. The groups met in public libraries or borrowed conference rooms.

Beyond the groups, I also spent time at the local county jail, meeting with people who needed help with anger management there.

Why it Mattered

Although I was the one running the groups, moderating conversations and teaching skills to manage anger, the groups taught me more than they will ever know. Week after week, over the five weeks each group ran, I sat with people who showed up vulnerable and exposed. For every member, simply being there was an admission that anger had been a problem. Their willingness to show up and work on it gave me the motivation to keep showing up despite my anxiety.

There were occasional days when someone disagreed with me, argued, or raised their voice. Those moments happened, but they were few and far between. More often, the groups became a place where tension could be deescalated in real time. Without intending to, I think I modeled what it looks like to stay present when someone else is angry and how situations don’t have to escalate simply because anger is in the room. It showed them how staying grounded, modulating tone and calm non-verbal cues, can help calm someone who is already in a fight-or-flight response.

The Physiology of the Fight-or-Flight Response

When a person becomes angry, there is a physical reaction in the body. The autonomic nervous system shifts into a fight-or-flight state, releasing adrenaline and preparing the body to respond to perceived threat. Heart rate increases, breathing becomes faster and more shallow, muscles tense, and the voice often becomes louder. Sweating, a flushed face, and clenched teeth are also common. The more intense the anger, the stronger these physiological reactions tend to be.

I often pointed out to the group that noticing these signs early matters. Once the body is fully activated, regulation becomes much harder. Awareness is the entry point. Every person in that room was there to learn emotional regulation, and learning to recognize what was happening in their body was where that work had to begin.

But physiology aside, it was also important to talk about the purpose of anger and the triggers that set these reactions in motion before exploring the thoughts and feelings behind anger.

The Purpose

The purpose of anger is to make a grievance known. It is a signal that something is wrong. That a boundary has been crossed, a need has been unmet, or something feels unfair. Without that signal, there would be no awareness that a problem exists, and no opportunity to address it.

When people feel angry, they are often in pain. That pain can feel uncomfortable, intense, and difficult to sit with. Many people try to get rid of it as quickly as possible, not by understanding it, but by acting on it. Anger then shows up as behavior rather than communication.

What gets lost in that process is the original message. The anger wasn’t the problem. It was pointing to one. Once you understand that anger is trying to communicate something, it becomes important to look at what actually triggers it.

The Triggers

I know I don’t have to explain what triggers are, but they can be external or internal. External triggers are things that happen in the environment. It could be an event, someone’s words, or someone’s behavior that brings up anger. Being called a name. Being treated unfairly. Being yelled at.

External triggers by themselves do not cause anger. Anger comes from how a person views what happens to them. It always involves internal triggers, which are your own perceptions and interpretations of the incident. That is why different people can react very differently to the same external trigger.

It comes down to what you say to yourself in that moment, the thoughts that show up before the feelings of anger.

Just knowing your triggers can help in managing anger before it fully takes control.

The Feelings

Anger is almost always preceded by other feelings. What people tend to show outwardly is anger, but internally the feeling may be something else entirely. Disappointment. Jealousy. Hurt. Sadness. Worry. Guilt. Embarrassment.

Anger becomes the signal that those internal feelings exist. It can also protect us from these uncomfortable feelings until we are better able to deal with them. Sometimes, we choose not to deal with the underlying feelings, which can lead to chronic anger issues.

Being aware that underlying feelings drive anger, and that anger does not exist by itself, gives us another way to approach what we are actually feeling. Instead of reacting to anger alone, it opens the possibility of responding to the feelings underlying it.

The Thoughts

Events and circumstances do not cause anger. Feelings don’t exist on their own either. There are always thoughts that come first. What I saw repeatedly was that certain patterns of thinking made anger much more likely to take hold.

One common pattern involved inferential distortions. People filled in gaps by mind reading, fortune telling, or relying on emotional reasoning to interpret what was happening around them. Those interpretations often led to harsh or self-defeating conclusions, which intensified the anger rather than resolving it.

Another pattern was discomfort intolerance, often expressed as “I can’t stand this” thinking. The experience itself became unbearable in the person’s mind, which made anger feel urgent and explosive.

I also saw how rigid expectations played a role. When expectations were held as demands, frustration tolerance dropped quickly. This showed up in absolute thinking about how the world should be, how situations should unfold, or how people must or must not behave.

When these pieces come together, anger tends to unfold this way:

Activating event/Triggers →  Thoughts / Feelings  →  Anger  →  Consequences

The Consequences

Anger itself is not the problem. How it is expressed or suppressed determines whether it protects us or leads to unforeseen consequences. When anger is expressed with hostility, aggression, or even in passive ways, it can have consequences. Suppressed anger also has consequences. It often shows up in ways you don’t foresee.

When anger is expressed without regulation, it can quickly escalate situations rather than resolve them. Words are said that cannot be taken back. Actions can feel justified in the moment but leave lasting damage. This can lead to loss of friendships, damage to property due to behaviors like throwing things, physical altercations, and in more extreme situations, legal consequences or incarceration. In those moments, anger stops being a signal and becomes the focus, while the original grievance is lost.

When anger is suppressed, it is often due to denial of feelings or fear of consequences. People may be trying to protect themselves from feeling their own emotions. Over time, this can lead to more chronic patterns, such as persistent complaining, suspiciousness, a pessimistic outlook, fault-finding, and bitterness. It can lead to anxiety or depression. It can also show up physically, through symptoms like rashes, aches, and pains.

Closing Thoughts

Anger is okay to feel. It is not a flaw or a failure. It is a signal. Sitting in those rooms years ago, what stood out to me was not how angry people were, but how much pain was underneath it. I saw disappointment, fear, hurt, and unmet needs showing up as anger. What gave anger its impact was never the feeling itself, but what followed. How it was expressed or suppressed determined whether it protected them or created harm.