Loves Me, Loves Me Not

What is Love? Poets romanticize it, scientists dissect it, therapists analyze it, and everyone seems to want it. But what really is love?

Love means different things to different people. There are many kinds of love in universal terms: romantic, parental, love toward pets, nature, work, or purpose. For this piece, I’ll focus on one…romantic love, the kind that inspires songs, heartbreaks, and endless theories.

Is love that flutter in your heart, those butterflies in your stomach, or that spark of chemistry?

Is it the flood of emotions or the quiet intuition that whispers, “this is the one”?

Or is it the feeling of familiarity, safety, and trust that settles over time?

However we define it, almost everyone has felt it at least once in their lives, yet few can clearly describe what it really is when asked directly.

Love may be hard to define, but the body often senses it long before the mind can explain it. One of the first signs we notice is that fluttering in the stomach, the so-called ‘butterflies’.

The Butterflies

Have you ever felt butterflies in your stomach when you first meet someone or even just think of them later? Those butterflies are exactly what they seem: excitement, not anxiety.

Many dating coaches are quick to claim that this sensation means your body is responding with anxiety, a red flag from your nervous system warning you that something isn’t safe. But let’s take a step back on that for a moment.

Let me explain in very simple, non-technical words. Your autonomic nervous system releases adrenaline in response to external stimulation, which can cause that familiar fluttering or tightening in your stomach. Those contractions feel like butterflies. Yet adrenaline doesn’t always signal fear or anxiety. Sometimes, it’s simply excitement the body’s way of saying someone matters.

So, take it with a pinch of salt when someone insists it’s always anxiety in disguise, often citing the Polyvagal Theory, the idea that our nervous system constantly scans for cues of safety or danger and how this impacts our emotional and behavioral responses to situations. It’s an interesting framework, but not one that’s been scientifically proven. Still, it’s frequently used by dating coaches to explain attachment behaviors and fight-or-flight responses.

I remember feeling those butterflies in the very first few weeks of dating. I don’t think my system was warning me; I think it was excitement and maybe the quiet thrill of something beginning.

The Chemistry

Love isn’t just an emotion; it’s a physical response. Our bodies often react to certain people long before our minds can make sense of it.

When we meet someone our brain tags as special, it releases a potent mix of chemicals: adrenaline, which sparks the racing heartbeat, flushed cheeks, and sleepless anticipation; dopamine, which brings feelings of pleasure, euphoria, and excitement; oxytocin, which deepens intimacy and emotional connection; and vasopressin, more active in men, which fosters attachment, mate guarding, and pair bonding.

These create the rush of excitement, the attachment, and the calm that follow, all the sensations we associate with love.

This surge of chemistry doesn’t just make you feel good; it makes you focus. According to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, romantic love activates the brain’s reward system, the same circuit linked to motivation and craving, which makes love not only pleasurable but addictive. That’s why, when you’re in love, you can’t stop thinking about that one person. They become the center of your mental world, the thought that keeps circling back, no matter what else you’re doing.

Helen Fisher’s Theory of Love:

Fisher studied the chemistry of romantic love and proposed that it’s not merely an emotion but a mating drive. It is rooted in our brain’s reward system. She identified three distinct brain systems:

• Lust: Sex drive, driven by testosterone and estrogen, it fuels physical desire.

• Attraction: Intense romantic love, driven by dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin, it creates focused attention, euphoria, and that “can’t stop thinking about them” feeling and Intrusive thinking.

• Attachment: Deep long-term commitment, linked to oxytocin and vasopressin, it brings comfort, calm, and emotional security, helping bonds last.

  
  

These systems can be activated in different combinations and orders, such as falling in love first before having sex or having sex before being in love, purely out of desire.

It’s fascinating that something as mysterious and poetic as love can be mapped to chemicals and circuits. Yet what we experience rarely feels mechanical. Perhaps these chemicals explain how love happens, but not why we crave it or what makes one connection linger longer than others.

Maybe love was never meant to be understood only through science. Because beyond hormones and brain scans, there’s the ache you feel in your heart of missing someone, the warmth of being seen, the comfort of knowing you matter. That’s the part no study can quantify, the human side of love that defies logic and still keeps us searching for it.

"Love is a chemical reaction,

But it cannot be fully understood or defined by science.

And though a body cannot exist without a soul,

It too cannot be fully understood or defined by science.

Love is the most powerful form of energy,

But science cannot decipher its elements.

Yet the best cure for a sick soul is love,

But even the most advanced physician

Cannot prescribe it as medicine."

— Incomplete Science by Suzy Kassem

“To love is to burn, to be on fire.” – Jane Austen

The Psychology

When you can’t get someone off your mind, when they live rent-free in both your heart and your thoughts, it’s more than simple attraction.

Fisher calls this intrusive thinking: the involuntary, constant preoccupation with someone who has captured your attention and emotions. Sometimes, this kind of mental focus can feel all-consuming, like your mind has taken over your heart.

And that’s where it’s easy to confuse love with something that only looks like it. Let’s separate this from limerence, a term often used by dating coaches to describe obsession with a person. Limerence is an intense, involuntary state of romantic fixation, marked by constant preoccupation and a strong desire for reciprocation. Love, on the other hand, doesn’t demand to be returned. It simply exists even when nothing is guaranteed.

When you find yourself so consumed by them that they spill into every moment of your daily life, when you think of them even while surrounded by friends or family, or when their memory lingers quietly in the background of your work day… what is that, if not love?

If thoughts of them make you feel warm inside, if there’s a sense of familiarity that feels grounding, if you catch yourself scrolling through their social media frequently just to feel a little closer, then perhaps it is love.

“Romantic love is an obsession. It possesses you. You lose your sense of self. You can’t stop thinking about another human being.”

 — Helen Fisher

The Philosophy

We like to believe love is a choice, something that can be reasoned away. But the truth is, the heart often decides long before the mind agrees and sometimes, we spend years trying to make sense of what the body already knew.

Does that mean two people will feel love for each other in the same way? Not necessarily. Love doesn’t have to be mutual. I know this may go against the common belief that love only develops when two people nurture it together, but that’s where it turns more philosophical.

Love is simply love. It cannot be love if you give it expecting to receive something in return. Mutual love is beautiful, but love in its truest form exists on its own.

“Love is not a transaction but a burning flame within you. When it burns the core of who you are, it is liberating.” — Sadhguru

The Essence

Perhaps love is both science and soul. The chemistry that turns into meaning.

Love is that intense feeling born from the interplay of all those chemicals, the moment you meet someone who feels special.

Love is that warm feeling in your heart when you think of them.

Love is the butterflies in your stomach…your body’s way of saying this person matters.

Love is that memory or those intrusive thoughts that take over your mind even when you are with friends or at work.

Love is when the harder you try not to think of them, the stronger the thoughts become.

Love is when you are quietly consumed by thoughts of them all day long.

Love is when they are the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing you think about before going to bed.

Love is that tug you feel in your heart that makes you seek closeness, even if it’s just through looking at a text or a picture on your phone, a post online, or a memory that lingers on a screen.

Who’s to say all this is not love?

Maybe, just maybe, you are in love!

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

— Friedrich Nietzsche

The Choice

I believe that whatever your definition of love is, whatever walls you’ve built around your heart, and whatever logic runs through your mind, you’ll know it’s love when you simply can’t let them go. Not even with time.

It’s your body recognizing someone as special and your heart agreeing. And if ever your mind stands in opposition to what your body and heart already know, that’s when you take a step back, let the feelings flow, and allow your actions to speak. Because sometimes, while your mind is still deciding, you miss the chance to give your heart what it truly wants, and watch it slip through your fingers.

When you find yourself at a crossroads, ask yourself, is that hesitation you feel: the fear of being rejected, or the fear of being accepted? Whatever your reason may be, the right moment rarely waits, and you’ll never truly know unless you give it a chance. Sometimes, all it takes is one step forward, one small act of courage, to reach out, to speak, before it becomes too late to try.

“You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” – Barbara De Angelis